We devote this section as light-hearted coffee-break entertainment for all accordion enthusiasts. If you have a nice accordion joke, please send it in to:

webmaster@accordionsa.co.za / webmaster@trekklavier.co.za

 

A man parks his car in a rough part of town with two accordions on the back seat, forgetting to lock the back door.

When he returns, there are three accordions.

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An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

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How can you spot a bad accordionist?

The lead singer can tell he is playing wrong notes.

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How do you get an accordionist to play in time?

Get them to play by themselves.

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How do you make a chain saw sound like an accordion?

Add vibrato.

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How do you make two accordionists play in time?

Shoot one of them.

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How do you protect a valuable instrument?

Hide it in an accordion case.

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How is playing an accordion like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

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How many accordions can you fit in a telephone box?

101 if you chop them fine enough.

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If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first and which way up do they land?

Who cares?

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Knock-Knock.

Who’s there?

Accordion.

Accordion who?

Accordion to the t.v., it’s going to be cold out.

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This guy plays a New Years Eve gig and afterward the club owner says “Great job, can you play again next year?”

The accordionist replies, “Sure, can I leave my instrument here until then?”

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The difference between an onion and accordion?

People cry when they chop up onions.

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The song most requested of accordionists?

Can you play Far, Far Away.

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This guy walks into an antique store and notices a brass rat sitting on one of the top shelves. He asks the clerk, “How much for that brass rat?”. The clerk says “Well sir, it’s 25 bucks just for the rat, and 50 bucks if you want to hear the story that goes with it. Take my word, you’ll want to *hear* the story.” The guy says “No, I believe I’ll just take the rat for 25 bucks.”

So, this fella takes his brass rat and heads down the street. Right away he notices that a *real* rat is following him, so he makes a quick turn down the next street. He passes an alley, at which point about a half-dozen rats come out and start following him. This guy is getting pretty panicked at this point, so he starts heading out toward the outskirts of town. When he passes the town dump, *hundreds* of rats stream out and follow him. Our hero is beside himself at this point, so as he passes the river that winds around town, he tosses the brass rat right in the drink. Every last one of the real rats follows the brass rat into the river and drowns.

Relieved, our protagonist heads back to the antique store where he got the brass rat. “I knew it!”, says the clerk, “You’re back to hear the story about the rat, aren’t you?”. “No sir”, says the guy, “I just wanted to find out how much you’re asking for that brass accordion I see you’ve got up there.”

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What did people say when the ship loaded with accordions sank in the ocean?

Well, it’s a start.

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What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common?

Absolutely nothing.

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What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?

Their personalities.

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What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?

Ladies in Pain.

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What do you call an accordion player with a pager?

An optimist.

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What do you call an accordion player with half a brain?

Gifted.

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What do you get when you toss an accordion off a tall building?

Applause.

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What does a long court hearing and a bad accordionist have in common?

There is always a huge sigh of relief when the case is closed.

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What is an accordion good for?

An introductory course on map folding.

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What is perfect pitch?

That’s when you throw an accordion and it lands in a Dumpster full of banjos.

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What is the definition of a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.

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What is the definition of an optimist?

An accordion player with a pager.

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What is the difference between an accordionist walking down the road with his accordion, and a goldfish swimming down the gutter with a banjo on his back?

The Goldfish has got a gig to go to.

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What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?

The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

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What is the range of an accordion?

Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!

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What kind of calendar does an accordion player use for his gigs?

A “Year-at-a-Glance.”

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What’s a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.

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What’s an accordion good for?

Learning how to fold a map.

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What’s the definition of perfect pitch?

When an accordion is thrown into the air and lands in the middle of a dumpster full of banjos.

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What’s the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?

A chainsaw can be tuned.

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What’s the difference between a road-killed skunk and a road-killed accordion player?

The skid marks in front of the skunk.

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What’s the difference between an accordion and a cat?

Only the cost, they both make the same kinds of sounds when you squeeze them.

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What’s the difference between an accordion and a concertina?

The accordion takes longer to burn.

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What’s the difference between an accordion and a lawnmower?

You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.

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What’s the difference between an accordion and a macaw?

One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

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What’s the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.

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What’s the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathisers.

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What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

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What’s one thing you never hear people say?

Oh, that’s the accordion player’s Porsche.

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What’s the range of an accordion?

Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!

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When does a accordion player sound the best?

When the tune is over.

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Why did the Accordion cross the road?

Because it was glued to the chicken!

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the accordion recital.

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Why do Accordionists make good politicians?

They are used to playing both ends off against the middle.

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Why do some people take an instant dislike to the accordion?

It saves a lot of time.

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Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?

So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.

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A menacing- looking thug walks into a bar, carrying an accordion case. Everyone moves away, and some head for the door as quietly as they can. The thug sets the accordion case down on the bar and slowly unsnaps it. Then he pulls out an AK-47. The people in the bar breathe a sigh of relief and go on about their business.

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The big accordion says to the little accordion: “Did you reed that joke that I sent you?”

The little accordion replies: “Yes, and I’m very happy that it wasn’t bellow the belt”.

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A man parks his car in a rough part of town with two accordions on the back seat, forgetting to lock the back door.

When he returns, there are three accordions.

***

 

Knock-Knock.

Who’s there?

Accordion.

Accordion who?

Accordion to the t.v., it’s going to be hot tomorrow.

***

 

This guy plays a New Year’s Eve gig and afterward the club owner says “Great job, can you play again next year?”

The accordionist replies, “Sure, can I leave my instrument here until then?”

***

 

What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?

Ladies in Pain.

***

 

Why do Accordionists make good politicians?

They are used to playing both ends off against the middle.

***

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